Sunday, December 23, 2012

Character

The weather wasn't bad but it wasn't pleasant either. It was cold. There was a slight breeze, and that only made things worse. It was the perfect day to sip a hot chocolate, but there was none to be found.

A middle-aged couple walked down from the mesa, where they had just seen a brilliant sun lazily fall into the bosom of the earth. A languoring end to a slow day.

That's when they saw the child. She was squatting on the floor next to a display of homemade trinkets. Cheap jewelry made from desperation, sweat and tears. "Two necklaces for ten or one for six," her mother offered.

Another couple brushed by, commenting, "That isn't even real turquoise."

"Poor girl," the gentlemen whispered to his lady. "Let's buy something for her troubles."

"I know," she murmured, while he rummaged through his wallet for cash.

He pulled out a twenty and exclaimed, "We'll take one!"

The joy on the little girl's face outshined the sun. "Which one, sir?" she asked.

"Show them the hematite, Chantel," the mother urged. Scrutinizing the lady, she explained, "Those would look better on you, I think. My family made all of these on our reservation, they are genuine."

Chantel handed the lady the necklace, and the lady handed her a twenty dollar bill.

"Do you have any change?"  the mother asked. "You were our only customer today."

"I'm sorry," the gentlemen said. "I don't."

"I might have some change in my purse. Our car is just down the trail," the lady offered. But then she remembered she had left her purse in the motel room.

Sorrys were exchanged and the couple wandered down the trail. Suddenly, they stopped, looked at each other and smiled. No words were said, but the lady ran back up with the money.

She came back down with four necklaces she didn't need. She gave her husband and hug and they walked quietly to their car. Twenty dollars for that smile was a steal.

-----
That man was my father; the lady my mother. People I want to become before I die.


Monday, June 18, 2012

The Harlequin Caper: An Offensive Children's Novel For Adults

Hey folks, I will be publishing parts of my novel for your viewing pleasure in the next few months. Hope yawl enjoy this:


It was a quiet day at the office for all the grammers. There had been no "incidents" so far. Gable was enjoying his morning cup of milk, even though he was lactose intolerant--knowing full well that his mild gastric discomfort would pale in comparison to his co-workers' impending olfactory duress. A small smile passed on his face. This would teach Mrs. Airy, the plump company secretary and team mom, to force him to play on the company softball team. He could picture her nasal reaction now:

"My goooooodness gracious! What is that aaaaawful smeeeeell." 

He imagined the gallons of smell-sol she'd spray across the acres of Grammville's programming farms. That obnoxious clean car smell would permeate into the deepest recesses of the workplace, causing even the smelliest of employees to be fragranced away. He shuddered at the thought, recalling the old adage they taught him at the grammer academy: "A smelly grammer, is a productive grammar because that means he works instead of showering" (despite an exquisite nerd-based education, the rectors at PAOG had wanton regard for the intricacies of the English language, lacking a zen-like knowledge of homophones.) Gable, none-the-wiser about this grammatical Waterloo, took comfort in the refuge of his teachers' wisdom. Maybe he would make up for the loss of his stench with a gaming purge at the local LAN cafe.

You see, though he wasn't Korean, Gable fancied himself as a real time strategist. He had showed inklings of this talent at a very early age, winning his first speed typing contest at the precocious age of seven. He had cleanly trounced the imposing opposition, consisting of middle aged professional typists, airline gate attendants, and nerds. When the score board showed that he had neatly bested the Lemon County record (which had stood for fifty years, since the heady days of Typewriter Harold, a local legend of sorts) coming in at 200 words per minutes, he jumped quicker than a brown fox, exclaiming: "Jeepers! I'm the bestest typer the world as ever seen!" Sadly his perfunctory typing skills did not parlay into either grammar or spelling bee victories (but you see, he wasn't Indian either, though he did love tikka masala, so this was to be excused.)

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Musings

Written for my muse, wherever she may be:

The muse has come and gone,
And yet the willow weeps.
What can I say to her,
When sadness slowly creeps?

Serendipity, come find me again. :(

Finished Reading:

"On Her Majesty's Secret Service" by Ian Fleming
"Indecent Proposal" by Jack Engelhard

Currently Reading:

"Simulcron-3" by Daniel F. Galouye
"The Line of Beauty" by Alan Hollinghurst

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Spelling Bees are for huge nerds with no life skills

I recently turned on ESPN2, during an NBA post-season in which TNT owns all the broadcasting rights. I fully expected to be greeted with some second-tier sports such as women's golf, bowling, or lacrosse (disclaimer: my brother played on the ucla lacrosse team, so I am allowed to make fun of him for it :P). Much to my chagrin, I was greeted by the American tragedy that is the Scripps National Spelling Bee. This is the contest in which a bunch of children, who apparently have nothing better to do than read the dictionary over and over again, get on stage and spell words. Each kid gets up on stage and has 1.5minutes to figure out how to spell some weird word like "gotterdammerung" or "flabbergasted" or some other non-sense. They get to ask the definition of the word, and its pronunciation, its country of origin and other useless shit like that.

As the seconds tick by on the clock, the tension mounts like a horny dog on a faded davenport. The worst part is that the viewers are treated to shitty ESPN announcer gems such as: "oh, that was a clutch spell", "not bad for her rookie year", "heartbreak, anyone would have trouble with those Romany roots". What. The. Fuck.

First of all, WHO GIVES A SHIT. I have a spellchecker for a reason. I can't spell half the words in this post, but my spellchecker makes this problem pretty much moot. This might have been a huge deal about a hundred years ago when people couldn't afford paper, but now this contest is completely outdated.

Second, what for the love of god, is a clutch spell? I can totally understand what a clutch free-throw is (props to Sparks in 2004 for giving that a whole new meaning). I can even understand the power of a clutch date-save: "but baby, I love you" can make a frown turn upside down, because you are gonna get a little bit of that gratuitous BOOM THO. Color me unimpressed with the rewards for a clutch-spell (hint: there are NONE).

Third, these nerds might get into Harvard, but they won't be able to find their way out of a jammed locker in high school. The problem is not with the kids, its with their shitty parents, who haven't given them good set of values at home. As such, I have come up with a random list of seven things that are more useful than practicing for or participating in spelling bees:

1. Running around in a circle, trying to tag yourself out in the eponymous playground game
2. Learning how to drive a car (this will help for number three)
3. Girls (if you are a boy), and boys (if you are a girl)
4. Digging a mud pit in your backyard (good practice in case you join the armed forces or in case you have an emergency mud-bowl some point in college).
5. Eating three-day old, freezer-burned ice cream from your date last weekend that went better than expected, but not soooo perfect.
6. Dating and number 3 a second time
7. Literally *anything* else in you can think of in life


Monday, April 9, 2012

Pretty Pictures!




Finished reading "Vernon God Little" by D.B.C. Pierre.

Currently Reading:

"On Her Majesty's Secret Service" by Ian Fleming
"The Line of Beauty" by Alan Hollinghurst

Now, some pretty pictures I took of devices I made this past week.